Prediction: Spitzer's "Kristen" to Be the Next Paris Hilton

Ashley Dupre is well on her way to being the next icon of worthlessness. For years, all she ever wanted to do was be famous (albeit, as a singer); she'd be a dolt not to take the cheap opportunity in front of her. From boinking the governor, to dancing topless in a Girls Gone Wild video, Ashley has pelvic thrusted her way into infamy. All Paris had to do was, um, nothing really.

These are my predictions for Ms. Dupre's soon-to-be-shortlived media career:

1) Hosting Parties at Clubs
Move over Kim Kardashian and Kevin Federline--"Kristen" is the next nobody to hit the club circuit. Watch as she hosts Fourth of July at LAX Las Vegas or rings in the New Year 2009 as Mansion New York's "celebrity" guest. Wait, what am I saying? She's from the Jersey Shore! This summer will undoubtedly see a dozen Hamptons parties with her face splashed across flyers.

2) A Spread in Playboy
Despite the lack of silicone and platinum highlights, I'm sure Hef will pounce at the chance to feature Client #9's #1 in his magazine. If he considered Ginger Spice and, ugh, WWF's Chyna sex symbols, Ashley is a shoe-in.

3) Sex Tape Leak
If Joe Francis has one, I'm sure any one of Ashley's former boyfriends/lovers/Johns does, too. Here's a girl who's not shy in front of the cameras, has obvious daddy issues, and HAS HAD SEX FOR MONEY. To all the Vinnys, Tonys and Sals out in the Tri-State Area, please feel around under your mattress for that sticky homemade video and get this over with already.

4) Reality Dating Show
Flava Flav cornered the nasty hoodrat market, while Tila Tequila has all the desperate frat boys and lipstick lesbians on lock. But how about "Working Girls Need Love, Too?" Set in New York, the show whittles down Fortune 500 bachelors who are willing to shell out $4000 a day for their new lady love. Forget Washington DC, these barons will whisk Ms. Ashley away to Capri or Dubai for a weekend in an all-out battle for her hand.

5) Signature Fashion Line
I'm thinking a signature line of Uggs, bikinis or sunglasses. Or maybe even her own flip-open Motorola--they'll give anyone their own phone.

6) Recording Contract
Even if all the above fail, this is by far the most probable scenario. Scott Storch is going to snatch Ashley up, lay some over-synthed vocoder crap over her already crappy voice and make a hit even catchier than Paris' "Stars Are Blind" or Britney's "Piece of Me." As soon as I get my second turntable, I'll be the first to do the remix!